Day 77

I've been dealing with a weird wave of sadness and fear today, when I should be happy that we're now only a few weeks away from going home. Ever since Torger got out of the hospital, I haven't been able to be apart from him for more than 15 minutes or so, which means we're together almost constantly 24-7. And I realize that I'm a little terrified at the thought of going back to a semi-normal life, where I'm at work all day and he's home by himself. What if something happens and I'm not there??? For some reason, almost all the people we've met or known who are dealing with a transplant are retired, so this isn't an issue for them. When they go home, it's a pretty smooth transition from the hotel routine to a similar routine in their own house. Even though I've been working while we've been here, our daily routine completely revolves around Torger's post-transplant care. I wake up early so I can get work done before he wakes up, because when he gets up I need to make sure he eats and gets his morning meds down without getting sick. I squeeze in work around clinic and lab appointments, and we do any errands like grocery shopping or the pharmacy or the bank during the day because we have to go together...and it's tough on him to be out in the cold at night. I make him lunch and make sure he has his 2 o'clock meds and then his magnesium infusion, which takes three hours. I'm constantly on the phone with the insurance company, or with the hospital trying to get things scheduled, or with the pharmacy that handles his magnesium delivery. Then I squeeze in more work while he rests in the afternoon. Sometimes he gets on the computer and surfs the net, and because we're in this small space he can chat at me about everything he's reading and I can hear him while I'm cooking or filing or whatever. I make him eat something for dinner, and sometimes try and get us both to get a little exercise before his nighttime meds...and frequently find myself on the computer at 11 o'clock at night finishing up what I didn't get done during the day. I feel like I've more or less been able to hold it all together as well as I can, but it helps that through it all, I always know what's going on with him almost every second. I have to remind myself that tomorrow we'll be celebrating 24 years together since our first date, and for nearly that entire time, Torger hasn't needed a babysitter. He's very capable and self-sufficient. But his recovery is still so fragile. I've always understood how important it was for his health that I be here as a full-time caregiver during the 100 days, but I'm only just now realizing how important it's been for ME. The thought of going home is really scary and I don't feel ready.