Day 276--One More Week Down

Yay! It's Friday afternoon, and Torger isn't doing the radio show tomorrow night, so we're looking forward to the weekend. After my stressed-out post yesterday, I'm feeling much more clear-headed today. Torger and I talked about it, and we're going to keep focusing on setting up systems that will help us to stay on top of things. He compared our situation to a waiter in a restaurant on a slow night. When the place is packed and everything's in a frenzy, the waiter is right there--filling every water glass, remembering every special request, running from table to table. But when the place is slow, it's harder to stay focused, even when there are only one or two tables to watch. (We've both worked in restaurants, so this analogy makes total sense to us.) But the mark of a true pro is to be able to pull yourself together and do the job. For all we know, Torger could be dealing with side effects and taking medications for the rest of his life, so we have to really make it part of our lives...not just an add-on. I can't get stressed about not being perfect, and we both can't let ourselves get careless. It's a delicate balance.

In the meantime, the last couple of weeks have actually been very nice, in part thanks to this blog. Torger's best friend from junior high found the blog and got in touch, and we had a great time getting together with him for dinner last week...he's grown up to be a really nice guy. Kevin asked to see some of Torger's art, so Torger started pulling out some of his sketches from the hospital and prints and even some of the collaborative stuff of old. It made us both keenly aware of how much he needs to get his stuff organized--neither of us could find some of his fairly large pieces. But it also made him realize how much he wants to start working again. While he looks good and feels good, his stamina is still not what it once was, and he hasn't done any drawing since the transplant (though he was prolific throughout his chemo). As we try to get more structure and responsibility back into his life, building up his strength for drawing will be important. So this week, he got out his bike and went for a couple of rides...something he hasn't been able to do for a year! He's not doing any long treks, and nothing risky (tetanus is always an issue). But the exercise is good for him, and it helps him feel stronger. Now I just have to get my bike out and do the same thing.

Day 275--What's the Deal?

We're 25 days away from reaching Day 300--a huge milestone. And for the first time, I find myself really hitting the wall as a caregiver. When we were still living in the hotel and going to the hospital almost daily, I became friends with another woman whose husband was recovering from a transplant. One day, just sitting in the waiting room, she broke down and told me, "I just want to run away!" While I tried to comfort her, I was also taken aback because I'd never once felt that way with Torger. If anything, I wanted to be glued to him and not let him out of my sight. And I've still never felt that desire to flee. But I do feel myself checking out more frequently and feeling more and more exhausted by the routine, even though the routine gets easier on a monthly basis. I just seem to be losing focus, and I can't let that happen. Last week, I was at work and completely forgot Torger's doctor's appointment! The office called home, and then Torger called me to tell me that he'd gone ahead and rescheduled for the next day, but I was mortified. Yesterday, I forgot his morning meds! A few days ago, I opened one of his med bottles only to realize that I'd neglected to go to the pharmacy the day before. I don't understand it, and I'm a little disappointed to see this in myself. I know that some of it is July--July is always a tough month for me between the hayfever and heat. I just wilt. And I also know this isn't something I can soothe away with a pedicure or a massage. There's an internal stress that's been churning in me for a year and I haven't had the freedom to deal with it. I've been relentless in keeping up with the details, to the point where I go to bed mentally sorting through insurance claims. And now that we're back in our home routine, and he's feeling better and getting more active, my brain has decided to take a subconcious breather. But again, I can't do that. I need to find a way to keep focused. So I've decided we're going to make a checklist, and I'm going to start making Torger monitor some of his own needs more closely, using that list. It'll be good for him, because he really wants to get back into having more structure and responsibility. And it'll be good for me because I just need a break.